A Day With A Monkey

“A simple walk around the park,” was all she said as she walked out the door. Her family was disturbed by the sudden exit and the blunt answer to their question, but she didn’t care. As she walked out the door the wind grazed her cheeks adding a hint of color to her washed out face. The pale light that shone out from the clouds and reflected from the snow covered earth cast an unmistakable glow about her. She walked with a radiance and confidence that no man was able to match, but her eyes told a different story, they were empty, no joy, no sadness, they were void of all emotions. She watched her step as she walked, careful not to fall, for she well knew that no one would catch her. Even with the radiance and the pseudo-confidence she exuded she knew that the emptiness in her eyes reflected the emptiness that occurred in her life. She pondered the extent of her damage as she walked, with each step skimming the surface of the snow, barely displacing enough to be noticed. The only thing that proved she had ever existed were the definite footprints which followed her closely every where she went.

She began to feel the overwhelming nature of the cold, which urged her to take shelter. She showed signs of disappointment, if only for a moment, because she knew that she couldn’t continue without the needed stop, yet she dreaded stopping. It was Christmas time and she absolutely despised Christmas time. The warmth from the fire, the family togetherness and the Christmas spirit, she loathed them all.

For a moment she contemplated what it would mean to go back home. She dismissed the thought almost immediately, thinking that she would be better off sitting on a snow covered bench in Central Park watching the happy couples ride by in the horse drawn sleighs. So that is what she did. She found an old, stone bench in the park and proceeded to watch the couples as they rode by.

Now as the sun began to set, and the wind began to pick up she knew that soon she must follow her now snow covered footprints back to her home. The glow that had settled on her cheeks had now faded and she knew that it wouldn’t return.

Once she arrived at her house she stood for a moment on the front step, hand on the frozen knob. She could hear them inside, her so called family. They were laughing and singing and carrying on as if it didn’t matter if she were with them or not. At the sound of the laughter she removed her hand from the knob and turned to face the street. With tears silently escaping from her baby blue eyes, she walked away. She headed down the dimly lit street leaving only footprints that would soon be covered by the December snow.

This past weekend I attended the open house for UNCC (the Charlotte campus of the University of North Carolina). I must say I really enjoyed the whole college experience. I just sent my letter in saying that I will accept my acceptance and I will start classes in the fall. I’m nervous yet, I can’t wait for this new chapter in my life to begin.

Go 49ers!

How awkward life must be for you.
A once darling maiden, always proved true,
Now an outcast, disgraced by your state,
Yet still wanting in, now becoming irate.

You’re always in the distance, but no one seems to know,
A shadow in the darkness, just trying to say hello.
Once upon a time, you were the Queen of your peers.
Yet, now you have no choice, you continually live in fear.

Over the years I have watched you decay.
A once beautiful flower now turning to gray.
As I sit and observe as your life tumbles down
I realize, what was once lost can never again be found.

I still cry over you. I just thought you should know. I still lay awake at night wondering what could have been, but none of that really matters now. I confessed my love for you, I told you that you were the only one for me, and yet, in return I received only disappointment and a broken heart. Why? Why would you lie to me, pretend like I was the one? Why wasn’t I good enough for you? I would have given my life to save yours, I would have taken a bullet for you, yet that wasn’t good enough. So now you are gone, lost to the world, and I am still here, standing my ground hoping that you will return before the world come to an end. I can feel the earth beginning to shake, the buildings are starting to collapse and you are in the middle of it, unable to escape. I see the walls starting to fall, and I am scared for you. I don’t want you to be just another lost soul, a dead body to be pulled from the wreckage. I loved you, yet you ran to the false safety of the world and I am worried that you won’t return.

Please come back.

You made me the person that I never wanted to be. I promised myself that I would never let my feelings show through during the day. Yet here I am, almost in tears because the boy I love broke the thing that took me so many years to rebuild, he tore apart my heart. The organ vital for life is gone, destroyed, leaving me desolate.

I promised myself that I would never be the girl to cry, that I would always be strong. But, because of you, my eyes burn with tears that silently forge a path to the ground.

You made me someone that I never wanted to be, and I hate you for that. Yet, my love for you is far from gone. I can forgive and I can forget and if tomorrow you came back to me, I would once again be yours.

But until that time I want you to understand that you didn’t just hurt me, rather, you completely devastated my soul.

*I still love you, as much as it kill me.*